Dec 6, 2005

hot times in the city

Posted by Mary |

Global warming is a great thing.

Now, before you hippies get up my butt about that statement, let me explain. See, Alaska is cold. I know you may think "Gee, Alaska is cold," and you probably also think you know what cold feels like, but you are most assuredly wrong. According to weatherologists, the average winter temperature in Fairbanks is -17 degrees. Kelvin. So while global warming may be very bad for, say, Pacific islanders, it sure makes Alaska more pleasant. Plus, the Midwest is getting closer to oceanfront property every day.

But I digress. I was busy pointing out that most people are wimps warm. I usually am not. Tom will agree, as he emits a girlish shriek whenever I try to cuddle after a trip to the outhouse. But this morning, something was afoot. The air seemed merely cold, as opposed to frigid. When I started my car to warm it up, it turned over right away and it shifted into neutral. In fact, when I went to unplug my car, the cord was malleable, not frozen.

I can only conclude that this is a sure sign of global warming. And I welcome it. My family has believed me crazy for years now, since I voluntarily moved to Alaska and haven't returned. But overall, Alaska seems to be the more favorable place to live (thanks again to our good friend global warming.

  • You have to sweat through eternally long summers, while I trip happily through fields of fireweed under the midnight sun.
  • You shiver at 0 degrees F and put the car in the garage, while I plug in various parts of my car to keep them from freezing solid.
  • You deal with noxious emissions from the millions of cars around you on the highway, while I deal with noxious emissions from the man next to me in bed.
  • You get to pee inside where it's warm, while I go outside ... nah, you win that argument.