Mar 29, 2007

evil thoughts

Posted by Mary |

I was passing the time in the main cabin and chatting with Jennie when she noticed that I had received the alumni magazine from my high school. Yes, my high school. It's one of those fancy, full-color, glossy affairs that you'd expect from, say, a private and horrifically expensive college. Well, I went to a private and horrifically expensive high school (but I was a scholarship kid - ha!). When Jennie expressed her surprise, I began regaling her with tidbits from it.

  • So-and-so is taking a year off from college and travelling the world. Here are pictures of him in the Galpagos Islands!
  • Rich Kid X has started a business importing Ecuadorean woven rugs in Manhattan. Anyone in the area should drop by! It would be great to catch up with other alumnae!
  • Spoiled Girl is proud to announce that she has given birth to yet another child with a yuppie name. She has left the law firm to stay at home with her children while her husband is continuing his career as a surgeon in Sweden.
  • Pretty Boy was recently featured on ABC's The Bachelor, where the girls all obsessed over the fact that he's a prince. (Oh, wait, that one is actually true. Shoot me now.)

Do these people all lie? Or are they truly the glitterati? I should have totally married one of those rich bastards, but since I couldn't stand most of them, I'm left with only one recourse: Lies. In the past, I've sent the alumni magazine my version of the truth.
  • Mary has left college to pursue a career in dance.
  • Mary is finishing her degree and working at the Hartford Courant.
  • Mary has moved to Alaska and lives in a dry cabin in a Quaker commune. She is happy to shit outdoors in the winter.
But the gloves are off, baby. No more semblance of the truth. If they can live exciting and wonderful lives, so can I! Thanks to Photoshop, I can travel anywhere! Thanks to my relative anonymity, I can have any job! Thanks to my loose moral compass, I can tell all these things to my former classmates.

So, if anyone asks, I was recently outed as a spy while working undercover in the former Yugoslavia. Fortunately, the United States was able to trade one of their political prisoners to gain my sweet, sweet freedom. I'm recovering from the experience at my ranch in Montana while I ponder new career options. This just might be the time to finish that PhD thesis on Native American female landscape architects working Paris from 1954-62.

But if that seems too outlandish, Jennie has agreed to pose for "commitment ceremony" pictures that I can send in!


CabinDweller said...

Got sent to a private high school - Catholic and all girls - and my mother still forwards the alumnae magazine. Though not as uppercrusty as yours, all the girl, whoops, women tend to write about their recent vacation to the Bahamas and their three children Brianna, Connor and Aiden with such-and-such attorney husband David.

I've thought of sending in an accurate one: X lives in a waterless cabin north of Fairbanks, Alaska, and is happy to have escaped the suffocating middle class suburban experience her early education prepped her to embrace. She no longer attends church. She is content to split wood, poop outdoors (had to steal it), brew and drink quantities of beer, hunt and gather as much as possible, and continue as bohemian a lifestyle as mid30s body will allow.

But I think your "commitment ceremony" picture idea is better.

Archeobot said...

Hahahahaha, oh God... I just got the email about the reunion, yeah like I actually want to see ANY of these people. I was spewing such acid thgouhts then of course I checked your blog... now I'm laughing out loud. At least you don't have my problem. My parents are considered alumni (Dad taught there) and so they get solicitations for the alumni mag. My MOTHER sends in shit about me. How mortifying! No matter what I do I can never duck the uber-dork reputation. Sigh.

My ad:
Still in college at 32, plays in dirt, frequently running for my life (from hippos and cobras), consequently in massive debt and will never retire this century let alone vacation in exotic loales.

Did I mention I'm skipping the reunion? Unless its you and me mercilessly picking on all other attendees...